Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
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