You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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