I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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