The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
