Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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