You can't special order awesome
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
