so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
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A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
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I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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