My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
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