well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
