he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
