I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug
This is sufficient.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Randomize
