I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
