Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Randomize
