I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
