My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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