and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
