I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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