Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
