I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
