i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
