I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Randomize
