I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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