I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
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