I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
