In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Randomize
