dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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