I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
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