I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
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It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
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Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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