Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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