So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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