Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
