singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
