Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
