she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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