shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
