direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Randomize
