does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
