have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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