I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Randomize
