The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Randomize
