I CAN MOONWALK!
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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