Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
