i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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