Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
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