peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Randomize
