No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
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