If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
they need to just BURY HIM!
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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