He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
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