tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
