Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
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