just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
